To be or not to be is the most popular existentially question, but there is one more question, that is not considered existential but should be...To speak-up or not to speak-up, to stand-up for yourself or to take everything lying down, to confront to not to confront? Yes it is 3 questions not one, but think hard about it and you will realize more often than not these 3 are synonymous.
Sometimes, simply speaking/standing up for oneself can be construed as being confrontational. The word confrontation itself is enough to make people uncomfortable. A lot of people shy away from it simply because the act of confrontation has so much negativity associated with it. But there is a thin line between being confrontational and speaking up. Speaking-up can cause a confrontation but it is important to remember that you owe it to yourself to speak up for yourself, and if it leads to a confrontation- so be it.
Personally, I shy away from confrontation because I know that once I’m in it, I’m all in and I can be ruthless. I choose to be confrontational only about things that matter the most to me and the whole act of confrontation can cause a lot of heartburn, in the short term. So I try and avoid it, but I have realized with time that this approach of mine does me more harm in the long run. Allowing the emotions to fester and stay bottled up is not helpful at all. So does confrontation always have to mean hostility? Not necessarily, confrontation can be a calmly carried out act too. I understand there is a temporary unpleasantness that can be avoided by avoiding confrontation but when you avoid a confrontation with people that matter, in the long run all involved parties will suffer, that’s for sure. To be honest, you are doing yourself and the other person a disservice by playing the fool simply to avoid confrontation.
There are some situations where one should avoid confrontation and some where one should tackle it head on. For me the assessment is simply based on the following- will confronting this person, here and now, save me from dealing with a whole lot of hassle and non-sense later on? If the person involved or issue at hand is minor, non-repeatable, one time event I may choose to let it go based on what my priority at that given point in time is.
For example, while commuting some pushes me to move ahead quickly, mostly I’d let it go because it’s probably going to happen with me and this person just this once and I have better things to do with my time. But if this was a daily occurrence and the same person repeatedly did this, I’d be telling them exactly what I thought! Now if letting the person push me even once and not saying anything was going to make me feel upset all day long, then one time event or not, it warrants me acting on it there and then.
Sometimes there are situations when you find someone lying to you or trying to manipulate you and you choose to not confront because you have a long game planned and you intentionally pretend to be the fool. But there is a limit to how long you can play the fool, your personal limit or boundary is what you need to watch out for.
In today’s day, all it takes is 5 people who repeatedly call you a fool or spineless and you’ll end up believing it about yourself! We get too caught up trying to be labeled as good or nice. At such times it is important to remember that while people who avoid confrontation are usually considered nice sometimes they are even considered meek! Being perceived as nice is not important, because that is purely a perception you are creating. Being good and being happy matter more. Being good is based on your own moral compass. If your moral compass is aligned correctly then you will know that being good is more important than simply creating that perception.
To be good to the world you need to be good to yourself. To be good to yourself, you must have self-respect and must not hesitate from taking a stand for what matters to you. When you let people get away with wrongdoings repeatedly by telling yourself that they are not worth your time, you need to pause and ask yourself if you are worth your own time. If you are, then why allow someone to misbehave with you repeatedly? Why give them the chance to manipulate you or lie to you constantly? You get nothing by allowing it. Will the other person magically change one day? No! How long do you want to play a martyr? If you call them out once and for all the worst that will happen? They will call you names, they will try and blame you, call you crazy and fight with you? Maybe, but the next time they want to try and play games with you they know you are not available, they can no longer waste your time by upsetting you or by making you play their game. You are simply not available for them to target you. Confronting someone about their lies is not about showing them you are superior and you know it all. It’s not about showing the world how smart you are that you figured out the other person’s deceit. It’s simply about valuing your own time and not allowing anyone to waste your time and energy in playing games that have nothing in them for you, in the long run. Human beings in general have a tendency to take silence as weakness and take advantage of others as much as possible. We owe it to ourselves to stop that cycle and not be a victim of our circumstances. Put your foot down and make yourself non available to people who add nothing to your life, both professionally and personally.
You can’t always be nice. That is how you get taken advantage of. You have to set boundaries. Eventually, the less you interact with negative people the more peaceful your life will become. Show them that you see through them, call them out on their behavior, express that you do not like what they are saying or doing. When you try and ignore wrongdoing by others, even when they impact you, you are the one that ends up suffering silently. You have to define what is acceptable for you and what isn’t. Not speaking up allows people to be unfair and unjust with you.
If you think about it, you’ll realize that the whole global Me Too movement started with one person who decided to stand up for herself. To say enough, this mistreatment of me must stop, I need to speak up. In 2017, Alyssa Milano popularized the hashtag on twitter so women across the world could pause and get the courage to to stand up for themselves. The whole movement started to stop sexual assault and harassment at the workplace. But there is a key learning coming out of this movement for all of us, that is, to stop any kind of harassment, at workplace or elsewhere, of a man or woman; the guiding principles remain the same, stand up to stop any kind of mistreatment of yourself by another person.
In the end, you are responsible for your own wellbeing and happiness, you owe it to yourself to raise your voice and stop people from taking advantage of you and most importantly to be happy!
