hy·poc·ri·sy: The practice of professing beliefs, feelings, or virtues that one does not hold or possess; falseness.
in·ter·fere: –verb -fer·ing: to take part in the affairs of others; meddle (often fol. by with or in): to interfere in another's life
What is the one thing that you hate the most?
Ask this question to the kids who’ve just turned in to adults and the prompt response of most of them is ‘Hypocrisy’. Ask the same question to mature adults and again, most of them will respond with ‘Hypocrisy’.
But there lies a huge difference in the both these responses; while the young adults genuinely mean it and will spend a considerable number of years of their life in ensuring that they do not indulge in this, the mature adults response itself is a personification of hypocrisy. Ok, now don’t attack me for this, but it is true; most of the adults in today’s world are hypocritical, whether we like it or not. Maybe it runs in our blood, maybe it’s in our genes. It is amazing how many people on a daily basis practice the art of hypocrisy; it is just called different names. When politicians are being hypocrites it’s called being diplomatic, when businessmen do it, it is called being strategic and when families do it is called being Mother in laws!!!
How is it possible for someone to have 2 set of rules so different from each other for different sets of people? I completely understand that close family members can take certain liberties which others can’t and that’s ok, but that’s different from having 2 sets of rules for even close family members! I can’t understand how an individual copes with it. Fir e.g. let’s assume that a mother has 2 children, one son and one daughter (How ideal!! ;-)). Now this woman, somehow, over time manages to develop 2 sets of rules which she goes by; one for her son and one for her daughter. And before you assume that I am talking of the differences between a male and a female child, let me clarify that what am taking of are the rule books for her children’s partners. This mother has certain expectations of what her daughter’s husband should and shouldn’t do and how he should treat her daughter, which is all very well. However she is never too thrilled to see her own son doing all that with his wife, here she has different expectations. She wants her Son in law to pamper her daughter, buy her gifts, take her out often be caring and supportive, but should her son do all this then he gets lashings for it. He is labeled as “biwi ke pallu se bandha hua”, a wife’s doormat basically. For instance, if the son in law does not support her daughter when she is unhappy with his mother, then the son in law gets labeled as a mamma’s boy, which is just so terrible. But should her own son support his wife in any family argument, then immediately he is the bad guy and gets taunted as being ‘under control’ of this wife. Our entire life runs on these principles of hypocrisy and yet we have the audacity to say that the one thing we hate the most is hypocrisy; that answer in itself is the most hypocritical statement ever!
Come to think of it, this actually stems from a problem graver than just hypocrisy i.e. the problem of interfering.
What is it about being a parent that makes one forget all boundaries and makes one feel compelled to control children? Why do they continuously try to be so deeply involved with their children that individuality had no meaning for them? Why should institutions of a family interfere with the institution of marriage? While the two are deeply connected and are even related they have their own boundaries. It is true that the institution of marriage eventually gives rise to the institution of family, but when members of the institution of family move on to participate in the institution of marriage they need to be given space. One must remember that they too will start a new family one day and for that they need to be allowed some space and some distance from the older family. Parents need to learn to draw these lines; they need to learn to enjoy their life with each other instead of revolving their entire life around their children. I am by no means demeaning how their sacrifices for their children, but look at it this way, if you spend a large chunk of your life making sacrifices for your children, why not take some time out and enjoy your life for yourself. Once your children are married, let them manage their affairs, let them build their families, let them do what they want, after all you have provided them with the right values and hopefully taught them how to make the right choices in life. Let them put that knowledge to use while you try and catch up with all that you missed out on. Stop interfering with your children’s life and families, don’t try and control or monitor them, let them make mistakes, get hurt if they have to, but they’ll learn, they’ll move on, after all they have all your values and teachings to guide them. Let them rely on those; you don’t need to remind them of those teachings day in and day out by monitoring their lives.
I know it’s difficult, especially after you have sacrificed so much of your life on nurturing them, but it is also necessary. Recently someone asked me why my parents (who are now 50+) still continue to run their respective businesses, especially my mother, considering that they have only one daughter who is now happily married and settled down. The logic of the question is, since the only child is now married and settled, what is the need to earn more money and fill their coffers! My answer is simple, it’s not about the money honey, they do it to keep themselves occupied. An empty mind is a devils workshop, and with all the silly soap operas and other crazy control freak parents around, it does not take too long to put that empty mind to work- for all the wrong reasons of course. So if my mother at the age of 51 is as physically and mentally active as a 30 yr old that’s great. If she has the enthusiasm for life, an eagerness to try out new things, an urge to enjoy her life I think it is outstanding! Like all other mothers she was not like this all her life, she too made innumerable sacrifices not just for her child but also for her family, she too gave up on a lot, but today she is making up for it. She now has her own life which she enjoys with my father. She watches the latest movies, goes shopping, has lunches with friends, all this while managing the house and her business. She is indeed some lady. Maybe I should get my mother to go and talk to some of these empty minded ladies about how to learn to enjoy their life, how to catch up on lost time and how not interfere with their children’s lives.
I think we as women owe this to ourselves, we are the next generation and it is up to us whether we continue the legacy or turn to a new leaf...
